French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
just got my engagement photos
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.