I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.