if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me, in DM rooms…
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You deplete me
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A huge thanks to the person that did this
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues