We avoided this particular disaster
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Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Otters see a butterfly.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
get you a girl who
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.