I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.