[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
O Wise One….
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler