Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it