According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Would you wear it?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department