Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?