I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
crochet youtube is brutal
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!