museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Cannot stop laughing at this
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.