Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.