Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
new wife guy just dropped
Seems kinda suspicious
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me