Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.