GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
the three branches of government
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk