You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Breaking news:
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
No, he would not have.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
hey, alexa
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
hear me out : pockets for your socks
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.