When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*