Risking my life for fun.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I’m already scared
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Noah
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
if my sleeping schedule was a person