don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*