Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You Might Also Like
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Kids: Stay in school.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
There’s never enough good news
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what