(2022)
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect