I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back