gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
incredible
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.