Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
choose your gary
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.