The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
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Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
*Inspirational Tweets*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.