boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.