Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree