Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
You Might Also Like
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed