Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard