me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
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one last job
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless