Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.