Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
You Might Also Like
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.