8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.