getting old is fun
You Might Also Like
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
This dude got his own movie?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables