Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.