It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.