My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.