If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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A drum solo but on your face.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography