Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??