Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.