REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle