Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this