Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
a public service announcement
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.