starting a garage orchestra
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!