Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number