You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese