your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”