One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
c’mon!
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.