“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.