A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
You Might Also Like
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently